Mastering Boundaries: Stop Saying Yes To Everything - The Ethicalist (2024)

Alice is always complaining she never has time. No time for her artwork, her beach cleans, marathon training, or her meditation practice. Instead, she spends her days and many of her evenings looking after her friends’ children, walking their dogs, gardening for her sister, caring for a neighbour with multiple sclerosis and helping at her nephew’s school, all after a day at the office.

‘I’m constantly busy, but I’m always doing things for other people,’ confesses Alice, who’s 37 and single. ‘I love to help my family and friends, but every now and then I have a meltdown because I feel I’m being put upon. I often hear them say: ‘Oh, Al will do it,’ even before they’ve asked me. To be honest, I feel a bit of a doormat.’

Experts say that Alice needs boundaries. With boundaries in place, she’d know what she has time for and what favours she’d like to extend and which to turn down. She would be left with time to do the things she wants to do. And she’d feel she’s in control of her life, rather than the sporadic resentment that eats away at her every few months.

But while physical boundaries – like the area around a play park, a cricket pitch, a garden or a shopping mall – are visible, personal boundaries are less obvious, yet they’re so vital for our wellbeing.

Jasmine Navarro, who runs a coaching business – NAVA – between Dubai and the UK, explains: ‘Boundaries are invisible lines that define where we end, and others begin. They’re essential because they protect our mental, emotional and physical wellbeing. Boundaries help us maintain healthy relationships, respect ourselves and communicate our needs effectively.

‘A person without boundaries constantly puts others’ needs before their own, often at the expense of their own wellbeing. They may feel overwhelmed, resentful of taken advantage of because they struggle to assert themselves or say no. Their life lacks balance and fulfilment, leading to chronic stress and dissatisfaction.’

Healthy Boundaries

So, that’s life without boundaries, as Alice is experiencing, but what does a life with boundaries look like?

Life coach Amanda Davies, who runs Pinnacle Life Coaching in Dubai, compares boundaries to a beautifully tended garden.

She says: ‘You’ve got clear fences that keep out unwanted pests (like toxic relationships and overwhelming demands) while allowing in the sunshine and rain (such as positive interactions and growth opportunities).

‘Boundaries act as invisible guidelines that determine how much of our time, energy and attention we’re willing to give certain areas of our lives. They create a sense of safety, respect and wellbeing across various areas of our lives.

‘When you have boundaries, you can maintain a work-life balance, prevent burnout and ensure respectful treatment from clients and colleagues. You can protect your social life from draining relationships, and you can prioritise self-care.

‘Practically, this means you feel you can leave work at 5pm without feeling guilty, even though your colleagues are still at their desks. You can politely refuse an invitation to a friend’s party because you need some alone time to recharge, or you can ask your partner to give you space when you’re upset. You might not answer work emails when you’re on holiday.

‘In essence, when you have firm boundaries, you’re in the driver’s seat of your life and making choices that align with your values and needs, rather than being pulled along by other people’s expectations or demands.’

What are Boundaries?

But how do we start to even decide what our boundaries are, let alone put them in place? Sometimes it helps to hear different examples so we can see if they suit us.

In your professional life, a boundary might be you don’t check your emails outside office hours, you leave work on time despite pressure to stay late and you ask for clear job descriptions and responsibilities.

Home life boundaries might mean establishing quiet hours in shared living spaces, dividing household responsibilities fairly and setting limits on shared bills and expenses.

Socially, you might limit time spent with energy-draining friends, choose not to share personal information on social media and set a curfew on how late you’ll stay at social events.

In your personal life, you might have boundaries that set limits on phone and social media use, and creatively, you might decide how much time you’ll spend on your art, pottery or writing, or how much you’ll charge if you sell your work.

Whichever area of your life you want to set boundaries for, Amanda compares the process to creating a personal contract.

‘It’s about understanding what you stand for and what you won’t stand for. Your boundaries are your non-negotiables,’ she says.

And she recommends we do our research to make sure we get the right boundaries.

‘You might keep a boundary journal for a week or two,’ she suggests. ‘Note down situations where you feel uncomfortable, stressed, disrespected, resentful or drained. You might get irritated every time your sister borrows your clothes without asking, or when you’re kept waiting to be let into a work Zoom call. Situations like these can help you identify areas where boundaries are needed.

‘Reflect on your core values. If you value honesty, you might set a boundary around not tolerating lies or deceit in relationships. If you’re an introvert, you might set a boundary around social interactions to avoid feeling drained.’

Still struggling? Thinks about past experiences, advises Amanda.

‘If you have a boss who constantly calls after hours, you might decide to set a firm boundary about not answering work calls outside of office hours in future jobs. Don’t be afraid to start with less important things and adjust your boundaries as you gain more self-awareness.

‘Implementing boundaries isn’t always straight forward and it can be a bit like learning to ride a bike – wobbly at first! With practice, it becomes second nature.

‘And just as our tastes in music or fashion change over the years, our boundaries alter as we gain more self-awareness and life experience. As a teenager, you might have been fine when your sisters borrowed your clothes without asking. Now, as a working professional, you might set a boundary that your wardrobe is off limits.

‘In a new romance, you might be happy to spend every weekend together, but as the relationship matures, you might set boundaries to ensure that you also have time for individual hobbies.’

Practical Ways Forward

To get you started, here are Amanda’s tips:

Start small

If you’ve never set boundaries before, begin with something manageable, she says.

‘For example, if you always say yes to extra tasks at work, try politely declining just one next time,’ she says. ‘Your colleagues are probably used to you being the automatic go-to person who never says no, and they may not even consider that someone else could help them.’

Be clear

Communicate your boundaries clearly and consistently, she advises.

‘You can do this both verbally and through your actions,’ says Amanda. ‘Instead of hinting you’re not a fan of people who borrow money, state plainly: ‘I don’t feel comfortable lending money to friends.’

Make it about you

‘Be sure to use ‘I’ statements, rather than accusatory ‘you’ statements,’ says Amanda. ‘If you want to end the demands on your free time, say: ‘I need some alone time after work to decompress,’ rather than ‘You’re too demanding of my time.’

Be consistent

Mean what you say, advises Amanda.

‘If you’ve told your spouse, partner or children that you need an hour of uninterrupted time each evening to pursue your hobby or for self-care, stick to it, even when they try to encroach on that time,’ she recommends.

Prepare for pushback

Some people might not like your new boundaries, and they will test you, warns Amanda.

‘Have a script ready for these situations,’ she says. ‘Something simple will work well. Practise saying: ‘I know you’re disappointed, but this is important for my wellbeing.’

Avoid being rigid

Amanda recommends our boundaries are built around an issue, rather than a specific behaviour.

If you feel unappreciated, work on feeling respected, rather than a specific behaviour, such as expecting people to always thank you for your efforts.

‘It’s about finding a balance, not creating a rigid rulebook that makes everyone feel uncomfortable,’ says Amanda. ‘You can’t force people to say thank you and they may not understand how important it is to you. They may even show their thanks in other ways, such as making you your favourite meal.’

Take action

If you’ve stated your boundaries clearly, be prepared to follow through with consequences if someone repeatedly ignores them.

Amanda says: ‘This might mean spending less time with a friend who always shows up late or blocking a number that sends unsolicited spam messages. It might be as major as changing jobs.’

Check in regularly

Once you have your boundaries, be sure to audit them from time to time, advises Amanda.

‘Ask yourself if your current boundaries are still serving you well,’ she says. ‘If the answer is no, then it might be time for some boundary DIY.’

For information about Amanda’s work, go to: pinnaclesuccess.coach

Jasmine’s practice can be found on: withnava.com